You guys, I haven't been this happy in a really, really long time.
- Mood:
jubilant
Back from the hospital.
btw I'm alive. :)
- Mood:
happy
Getting glasses was a failure, since the welfare system fucks us over pretty easily without meaning to.
Anxietyyyyy acting up.
Pulse at almost 150. Which is, you know. Not good. lol hands shaking. I don't think I can breathe too well.
Ehhhhh hospital maybe later. We'll see if it calms down.
Otherwise, :)
- Mood:
disappointed - Music:Same song I've had on for three days (yes, Promenade)
"Oh?" So I listened to his heartbeat. "What is that, James?"
"Punching."
"Punching?"
"Yeah. A guy's punching."
"...What's in there, James?"
"A guy."
"And what's he doing?"
"Punching."
HE THINKS HIS HEART IS A GUY WHO'S PUNCHING HIM AAAAAAAAWWW HOW PRECIOUS ;A;
- Mood: >w< squeeee.
Hueehhhhh.
I'm not having a bad day today. :)
I have to see my lol psychiatrist later. Ehhhh. But! I have my glasses appointment tomorrow. So after we get over the orz of them telling me, "lol sorry, you're still going blind pretty fast," I will rejoice, because I think it's been long enough that the state will pay for new glasses now! \o/ I like new glasses. They help me see gud. I like seeing gud. ;-;
Little brother is at school, and little sister is sick, so it's a pretty relaxed day. Which is good since I can't get up much anyway. (Fell over when I was trying to look in the fridge. It was lame.) I think I'm going to take the time to read over some of my old U2 books. And then I want to go back through the Death Note manga and study Near a little.
My mom wants me to write something for her and send it to her so she can show it off in jail. Ehhhhh. I can't even write stuff for my friends, what makes her think I'll write something for her? But maybe I'll pull up something old and edit it, just to get her off my back. Ehhh.
Writing things for
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
dichana still; I'm seriously working on them, really. ;_; I've just been so huehhhh and sleepy lately. Why the hell am I so sleepy lately? I don't know, but I wish I could send rubbersoul1967 flowers, or, like, a big thing of orange juice, or something. Or like go over and make cookies. Because I keep ditching her for my bed. *has an affair with bedtime* ...I mean--Anyway.
I want to bake a cake or something. Shit, the estrogen must be working. :(
Huh. Weird. At like ten o'clock this morning it was a hundred degrees, but now it's only eighty. Ehhhh. Not that I'm complaining.
All right, well, I'm kind of just rambling now. ilu guys, though. <3 Thank you for always helping to make things better.
ETA:
You know, I don't think I like my voice. I dunno.
Also, my new neighbors need to gtfo. D: *hides*
Also also, aren't the dark circles under my eyes supposed to go away when I sleep, not get worse? Ehhhhh?
c:
- Mood: happy
- Music:Promenade - U2 (yes, I've had it on repeat for a long time ;_; )
:)
- Mood:
sleepy - Music:Promenade - U2
I know I've been posting a lot lately, eeehhhhh. D: Anyway, last night was a shit night, but it's been whined about and done with, so I see no need to go into it-- grandma things went down, et cetera, et cetera, but this morning has been really great so far, so I'm not worried about all that.
I've been needing less sleep lately, but I've been falling asleep at bad times for the sleep I do need (I've been abandoning rubbersoul1967 lately, *great shame*, and now I realize that I fell asleep on verbminx as well), so. My grandma's put me on this full-day schedule (revolving completely around my sister), and she thinks that'll make me sleep at night, but she's not understanding that I can't sleep until I like pass out, so really all putting me on this schedule will do is make my body adjust to needing 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Ehhh, whatever-- I'm getting along fine with it. I think I got three and a half hours last night, and I'd had a good four hours the afternoon before, and I don't remember how much I slept the day before that but I know it wasn't a lot. But I'm surprisingly awake! Hm.
Anyway, I have to cook the kids breakfast soon, because apparently I've made the transition from the mothering older sister to the stay-at-home teen mom. orz But it's all right, I'll cook some hashbrowns and eggs and maybe French toast if I can find everything for it and remember how to do it and feel confident that I don't burn it. I have to wash the pans and I have to vaccuum later and take the kids out and do the rest of the dishes and make the beds and sweep and probably mop and then make lunch, and take the kids out again, too, and then sit down and have playtime with them. And clean my room. And make sure the kids don't kill each other. And not fall asleep before six this evening.
...
*typical determined pose; katana and bandana are optional*
Also I'm supposed to discipline Joey without any spanking, yelling, name-calling (even brat is off-limits), without telling her she's lying or saying something wrong, without... well, without any discipline.
Fucking hellchild and her special treatment.
Anyway, I've got a full day-- every day, from now on, actually-- but I'll be all right.
Even though every time I get up, I, you know, have my pulse skyrocket. Sigh.
Well, we'll see how it goes, yeah?
lolz I'm totally not allowed to be on the computer right now. :( Don't tell my grandma, guys.
10:00 am edit: Damn it. I thought it was going to be cool today; it's 95, now. Well, anyway, 10:00 is breakfast time on the schedule. French toast needs to be made, kitchens need to be mopped before it gets too hot.
And just so you guys know, despite my whining, I'm still sitting here grinning to myself, so I'm all right. Irritable and a little worn, but definitely all right.
Just hope my grandma doesn't really start taking my computer away like I only barely weaseled out of this morning.
*is apparently a very bad child who has a horrible attitude problem and is the most disrespectful thing since... my mom*
8D?
- Mood:
determined
Damn it, I got sleep, and the smudges under my eyes are actually worse than before, now. wtf.
Anyway. Day was not bad at all. Kind of groggy but it's not too bad. Feel bad for falling asleep on several people (orz) on AIM.
rubbersoul1967-- oho, the tables have turned verbminx-- thanks to you I've started saying 'does not computer.'dichana-- it's coming along, really it is! *slow*expertease-- you're right, I don't feel as pessimistic now, anyway. :'D...Little sister got into my most sacred ice pops. There will be blood.
- Mood: groggy
o hay, 95 degrees at fuckin' seven in the morning.
I see what you did there, Failfornia.
7:30 edit-- good morning, 100 degree weather. How are you today, Mr. Sun? Yes, fuck you, too.
*eats like five billion ice pops*
So my teacher just e-mailed me this.
Hi Ms. Meerkat,
Someone just sent me the following quote and it made me think of you…
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
~ Marianne Williamson
......Why can I never escape religion? orz
(Yes, my teacher actually calls me that.)
And no. No, I'm pretty sure it's inadequacy I'm afraid of. :/ (Sending me an e-mail about my fear of inadequacy did not help my fear of inadequacy, lol what.)
- Mood:
hot
I'm losing weight again, it's kind of weird.
Still trying to get that written for you,
dichana. *perseveres* Yeah, just wanted to let you guys know that things are going well.
- Mood: content
Little sister flooded the bathroom. Literally; water was EVERYWHERE, all the way out several feet into grandma's room (which is right outside of the bathroom).
That's right-- was. I mopped it fucking by hand, because grandma's old and we can't make her do something like that. That'd just be way too unfair for her after she already has to wash all the rags I used.
Seriously, though, what the fuck. And you know the worst part? Little sister did it because she thought it was funny.
That's right. She did it FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING LULZ, WHAT THE HELL. (Yes, that was my first thought when I heard her. Yes, I am a nerd.)
God.
And now pulse is fifty points above what it should be, so grandma is like BEDREST FOR REST OF EVENING KTHNX.
She really is her mother's daughter.
- Mood:
frustrated - Music:Drops of Jupiter - Train
The ticket-giving guy tried to hold my hand. It was awkward. And really weird to have someone paying attention to me rather than S-chan; she's the pretty one, she's used to it. I'm not. I was all ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Also, this one guy asked S-chan if we were girlfriends. S-chan said yes, just for the hell of it. It was funny.
Needs chiropractor. Am probably going tomorrow. Speaking of which, she wants to hire me for help, during the summer, so I'll talk to her about that when I go see her. I can has job? srsly? Yesss. I mean, nooooo, but yesss. Needs monies.
Earlier yesterday, I went to the store to get myself an energy drink because I knew I'd be leaving for the fair soon and had not slept (Eru eyes are becoming more prominent; last night they were all dark purpley, but they're slightly clearer this morning), and when I gave the stuff to the cashier, he really only kind of glanced at me, you know, and then I told him, "Thank you very much," and I swear he did a double take when he heard my voice. It was funny.
I have both kids today, since Joey's out of school now. Surprisingly enough they haven't driven me nuts yet, and it's been three hours. Fancy that.
Ohhh, it was weeeird. I actually went to bed last night, at probably around 4:30 am, instead of waiting to fall asleep randomly, or having it be around the time grandma leaves for work, or something. And when grandma came to wake me up to watch the kids this morning at like 7:45, I felt SO DAMN RESTED (I mean, I'm still hella tired, but I'm always hella tired. But I'm not trying not to nod off or something). Probably has something to do with the fact that I slept like four hours after getting home from the fair, but still. I'm not used to waking up without needing to fall asleep. It's kinda nice.
...That doesn't mean I'm going to start going to bed at a decent time, though.
There were Desu Noto fans at the fair. Two girls were walking together; one had an L t-shirt, the other had a Death Note messenger bag. I kind of wanted to be like O HAI, but a) I'm shy and b) S-chan was like OMG CARNIVAL GAEMZ. So we played carnival games. Spent an obscene amount of money on one game. Did not win. At all. Heh.
Ate at Farrell's Ice Cream Shop, which is relevant to my interests. They have good ice cream, too.
You know, it's weird; the time I feel most like a teenager is when I'm sitting with S-chan in her car about to go somewhere, because one of the parents (hers, or my grandma) or in yesterday's case, Joey's babysitter, will stand there waiting for us to leave, all, "Be back at such and such a time," and we turn the music on and are like, "Yeah, yeah," and S-chan is like fixing her make up in the mirror and I'm pulling the seat back so I can sit the way I always do (all sprawled out like a guy watching football), and in that moment, I don't really have disdain for people around my age. It's kind of nice.
I feel like I should be doing something, but I don't know what. I really should go make some tea.
And I forgot to take my pills last night, which means I'll have to take extra again tonight. :(
...Dear
verbminx, mudkipz.
- Mood:
sore - Music:Broken Bones - Aqualung
So S-chan is taking me to the fair today.
Damn it. Why do I do these things for her? ;_;
ETA: Tiz's post cheered me up because she sounds happy and that makes me happy. :D
- Mood:
intimidated - Music:Hanabi - Akeboshi
This is what happens when they give it to you so young.
On the other hand, I don't think I'm in a writing slump.
ETA: meme ganked from
uhmandarose, 'cause it's fuckin' six in the morning, but OH WELL. The Rules:
• Copy the whole list into your LJ.
• Bold the things that are true about you.
• Add something that is true about you.
• Optional: Add a comment after answer in italics.
( unner hurrr. )
- Mood:
productive - Music:Suicide is Painless - Johnny Mandel (lol ironic song)
Quotes from brother:
"Tie me up, Sissy!"
"Let me get on top of you, you little creep!"
"Hit me. Hit me!"
"Your chest 's funny, Sissy."
"Ha-ha, ha-ha, I stole it! *swiped my boxers*"
"He's a gay man!"
............I worry for this boy.
I told my grandma today that, "I feel like death that's been left out in a dirty pot on the counter all night. Not warmed over, but not exactly fresh, either." She lol'd. I think I'm getting the flu.
Dub Note episode = owns my sooooul. Oh, Near.
Gevanni sounds like a nerd. I love it. <3
- Mood: like crap, but happy
Long story short, I've had both of the kids all day, and neither of them will shut up. Lots of fits. (And by fits, I mean that these are the kinds of kids who actually knock holes in the wall and shit. Bitchlets.) Sister (age seven) absolutely refuses to put clothes on, and brother (age four) absolutely refuses to do... anything. Eh.
Other than that, I'm having a pretty good day so far. :D I'm a little drowsy, but I don't feel like crap or anything, and even though I probably need to go to the chiropractor, I'm not like IN PAIN. I actually had breakfast today (I think at like eleven), and I might make some rice (hopefully not crunchy this time, like last night!) later on.
And, since I want something to do but have no cigarettes or guns, I've yoinked this from
seiko_assasin. Hi, my name is: Rinna, to most!
When I’m nervous I: Um, I'm always nervous. D: *anxiety*
Last night I: Was not different than any other night? I don't know. ._.
( More! )
- Mood:
cranky - Music:Daddy's Gonna Pay For Your Crashed Car - U2
I hate having the stomach flu, which apparently started kicking in early this morning (OTL I fell asleep when I didn't mean to! ;;), and God, does it suck. Hopefully it's one of those teeny, not very long deals. But, um... at least it got me out of going to church?
So my grandma got me this t-shirt. And oh, god, did I ever lol. It says, in large, blue print,
ALMOST HANDSOME
and hahahahaha olawd. She's so against me ever saying that any part of me ever is the slightest bit nonfeminine, and then she goes and gets me this (all too appropriate) shirt. JESUS sometimes I love this woman.
I'm tired.
I'm writing. c:
I was reading over this conversation that the super awesome
rubbersoul1967 and I had a while back-- we were watching old cartoons together, haha. And OH GOD, apparently we were watching Captain Planet, and we were both like way out of it, and we came up with the weirdest shit regarding that show, and I'm telling you-- reading that conversation, I laughed harder than I had in a while. It was great. And very satisfying. In short, she makes me happy, and brings me more lulz than I deserve, at times.
I'm tired. And writing! But very tired. But I want to finish writing this! I NEED TO FINISH SOMETHING FINALLY. ;A; Godddd.
So I tried to explain to my grandma that entering a room while saying sakujo very loudly wasn't a ploy to scare her, it was tribute to Teru for his birthday. ;__; She didn't buy it.
Ah well.
P.S.
Every time I think of the song Gay Bar, I think of
solemnly_swear1.- Mood:
nauseated - Music:Promenade - U2
-left the house, in order to get some food (two birds with one stone!)
-rewatched August Rush
-figured out who the Robin Williams character from August Rush would be, Death Note-wise
-pretended to clean my room
-watched the latest Dub Note episode; Near's voice still makes me orgasm, drunk Misa is very adorable
-gained a pound back from that ten or eleven I lost over the week after Mother's Day
-ate within 24 hours of the last time I ate (I'm pretty sure)
-...etc.?
List of failures today:
-did not actually clean room D:
-did not finish all of the food I got myself because I can't each much lately
-slept in way too late; subsequently almost got in trouble
-got in trouble-- for not cleaning my room
-was unable to convince my grandma that church is unnecessary
-did not keep from fangirling rabidly over Near OH GOD HE'S SO SMALL AND CUTE AND WONDERFUL AND OH GOD OH GOD EEEEEE I LOVE HIM SO DAMN MUCH, SO DAMN MUCH
-am unable to care that I didn't keep from fangirling over him, because I love him so much!
-did not write at all today; still not finished with any of my eighty billion WIPs D:
Other:
I've slept in my bed for two nights in a row now! (I'm starting to miss the couch.) Maybe I'm getting over my phobia of my bedroom? If only. =_=
I found this thick pencil (for like woodworkers) on the floor in my room, and impulsively and quickly drew a line down the wooden side of my closet. It was somehow one of the most beautiful things I'd seen in a while-- the thick, dark line of pencil lead so smooth down the wood. So I did it again. And again. And again. Now I have a bunch of lines on the side of my closet, but they look really pretty.
It was really hot today!
I need to watch a war movie. I need to. I need it. The armyfag in me is really missing it.
I actually wore pants today. :O (I've been wandering around the house in boxers.)
I think I was going to say something else, but I forget what. So on to this, from
suburbangoth: List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring. (Summer?) Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they’re listening to.
1- Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space - Spiritualized
OH MY GOD THIS SONG. It's gorgeous. Really gorgeous.
2- Promenade - U2
This has become my favorite song by them, I think. Or at least way, way up there.
3- be human - Scott Matthew
fjdlksfjkls <3
4- Bari Improv - Kaki King
From the August Rush soundtrack. I loooove this song.
5- Revolutions - Kyo
My fetish, it grows.
6- Andy, You're a Star - The Killers
Haha, I don't know why I like this song so much.
7- Peace on Earth - U2
I just really, really like this song.
I TAG WHOEVER WANTS TO DO IT ;A;
- Mood: cheerful
- Music:Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space - Spiritualized
AHAHAHAHA
MY MOM'S IN JAIL, GUYS
Ahahahahaha. ...Hahaha.
Oh god. The lulz.
I actually woke my grandma up with my laughing, last night.
p.s. B/Near is drilling into my brain again. D: It's like, "Hah, okay, ficbitch. You've written me again. NOW CONTINUE TO DO SO."
Nooooo. (Yes?) NOOOOO.
I love you guys. |D
- Mood: satisfied
- Music:Please - U2
So I've been considering this very seriously, you guys. Like very, very seriously.
I think that once I turn sixteen, I'm going to quit school. They're trying to pass a law, here in California, that'll make it so that a kid can't be homeschooled unless the parent(s) have legalized teaching credentials. Which my grandmother does not.
My quackwhore of a psychiatrist isn't treating my worsening agoraphobia, because she's... well, a quackwhore, so public school is pretty much out of the question. I mean, Christ, going to a teeny charter high school graduation on Friday had my knees shaking like mad and my stomach churning.
So yeah. If I quit school, get a job (hopefully one done over the internet-- if not, I'm sure I can make myself handle something small, I don't care what, as long as it pays), get my GED... Well, that's what I'm hoping to do. So I guess we'll see if that law is passed, and if it is... Yeah.
Other than that, I've been having a really good time of things lately. Yesterday was... the best day ever. THE BEST DAY EVER.
Yes. Yesssss. And you know what? I told so fucking many 'that's what she said' jokes yesterday. Seriously, I said so many. Some without realizing it. Some worked incredibly well, too.
Big brother: Where's your dad?
S-chan: Um, he's coming with my mom.
Rinna: That's what she said.
Everyone: *stare*
Rinna: ......FUCK-- I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO, UM--
Everyone: *stare*
Big brother: ...*snicker*
I'm still incredibly sore. INCREDIBLY SORE. Worse than last night. But I'm pretty happy. Didn't go to church and say goodbye to big brother today, which I'm sad about, but I hurt too much to get up, and the (creepy) lady who's staying with us (and who is creepy) wanted me to go to Pastor's birthday party. LOL WTF I'VE TOLD HER LIKE 584390584 TIMES THAT I DISLIKE GOING PLACES fmdlksf. So yeah, stayed home today.
I really want the creepy lady to go home now. D: Grandma will be home tonight, at least. Eh.
Also, (belated) meme from
cereal_killer71.1. Reply to this post and I'll assign you a letter.
2. List (and upload, if you feel like it) 5 songs that start with that letter.
3. Post them to your journal with these instructions.
H'okay.
Seconds, by U2. Oh, come on. Like you didn't expect something U2 up here.
Street Spirit, by Radiohead. Shit. Now listening to Radiohead makes me sad.
Sad Day, by Kyo. Helps feed my French fetish.
Suicide is Painless, by Johnny Mandel. Because I love M*A*S*H so damn much.
Somebody Told Me, by The Killers. ...Hee.
:D
Following this will be a mini picspam, so you guise can see my haircut.
ilu aaaaall.
- Location:Grandma's bed. So damn comfy.
- Mood:
thoughtful - Music:Somebody Told Me - The Killers
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